[Funnies] Dealing with Technical Support


seankLet's face it!  We've all had those days when we've absolutely had it dealing with a tech support person.  

For WHATEVER reason.

I was thinking about all the little evil thoughts my ID was bursting to come out and pull off when things were going my particular pathway and thought I might lend a little common sense to the fray.

I mean it just might save somebody's life.

Threats

Although threatening to leap through the phone and throttle the person at the other end is always an interesting option.  It rarely works.   They are most likely at LEAST 1000 miles away from where you are.    Suggesting their boss will terminate them,  finding a pry bar, or simple offering a polite bomb drop in their office will not get you what you want.   Manners help but bomb drops never do.

Yelling

Yelling may vent your system, but it is a truely rare occasion when it produces the desired result.   Do we all know what a "MUTE" button is?   Do we know how to work it?  High chance the person at the other end does too.   So while your throat is soar, worn out, tired and garnering a bad case of laryngitis, the other party has been patiently playing with the "Mute" button.

Crying

Well sometimes this CAN actually work, but the combination of odds you need are not in your favor.  It would have to be some of the opposite sex (or similiar sexual persuasion) for this to work.  They would in fact probably have to be in a pretty good mood.   (Well what with all the yelling and threats they've had to put up with before) to actually give a darn.    So put the tears on hold for Aunt Sally's dead cat's funeral.

Percussive Maintenance to the Phone

Now this falls back along the lines of yelling.  They have a "Mute" button.   If you time it well you MIGHT (Key word, MIGHT) be able to get the first hit JUST so RIGHT to get the speakers to pop in their ear or the amplifier in the remote phone to explode.    But it is a higher chance you will be holding a small pile of useless plastic bits at the end of it all.   Hang on to your phone.    Buy some "BUFFERIN" later.   Maybe a beer or two.

Torture

Now I'm not talking anything physical.  That's wrong.   But pretending to have a bad connection will DEFINITELY not help your cause.    It might be immensely pleasing to you, but it won't solve the problem at hand.   Unless you're trying to convince the phone company you have a bad phone line.  In which case, that MIGHT work.

Lying about the problem

Well I fibbed.  Sometimes you SHOULD lie.   If you ABSOLUTELY know without question what the problem is and are trying to cut to the chase.   Or their diagnostic software is yielding false answers.   THEN you should by all means lie to get to second level.    But the tech support people are trained to be ready for this.    You must lie truthfully to match the sequence of answers they are expecting.     Otherwise, just give it up know.   If you're not a technician, don't even bother.   "Oh yeah the flux capacitor in my modem flew out the lan jack through the fibre optic power plug"  won't get you anywhere.     Nice try though.

Email Blasting the Company

Don't even bother.  Nobody will read it.  You will be blacklisted.   You'll be lucky to email your cousin Joey after that.   Ever heard of Spam Filter?   Frontbridge technologies?  Bingo.  Just save the keyboard strokes.

Physically Arriving at the Call Centre

Ok this falls back along the lines of threats.  It won't do you a bit of good.  They will not accept your faulty hardware at the door.   The big burly security guys will drop kick your rear into the main street.  Good chance the police will be invovled.   And your problem will still not be solved.  Nuts.  It was worth a shot wasn't it?

So the answer?  Be patient.  Work with them.  They are not SuperMan or Wonderwoman.   They do not have Xray vision or a magic rope and can't just "pull out the answers" Be a little patient.   Maybe lie a little (Just a little bit mind you, the right way).   I didn't mention bribery because that actually can work.

It just gets really expensive after a few days.

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