Sean Kearney is back with his humorous take on his experience at Energize IT '07. The entire team got to meet Sean, as well as many other people, at Energize and he is as funny in person as he is in his blog posts. It was a great day and I am already looking forward to Energize IT '08
Beep beep beep beep...
"What happened doctor?"
"They call it severe cranial sensory overload."
"What caused it?
Beep beep beep beep...
"He went to a huge Microsoft Event. 'Energize IT 2007'. Then at the very last minute, during a small camera interview with Rick Claus, his brain exploded"
"Oh my God. Is it severe?"
"Are you daft?! I just said his brain effectively exploded. Good grief."
"Oh I see. But is there any way to save him?"
"Only one. We'll have to upload his brain contents to a Virtual Machine within a Windows Server Virtualization environment. Run a virus scan, pull out the extra information his brain couldn't handle. Then it'll require a re-indexing to re-link his security abilities. He's going to also need a 5 day cooling off period to calm down his hyperactivity levels as well."
"Don't ask me to explain the details, It'll need a geek, a real geek to implement this."
"Good Lord, is there anybody out there who is capable of this?"
"I'm not sure, we'll have to put out a high level request. Maybe somebody at Redmond can do it. I hear they have some guys there that are kind of ok with this stuff."
"So how did it all start? What did him in?"
"I'm not sure. But I found this Black Book it seems coated and embedded with some lettering. The hand writing is almost indecipherable. I hard to pry it from his hands. He was clutching onto it inside the Metro Toronto Convention Centre for dear life. I'll try to decode it."
06:01: Woke up. Bolted to truck. Decided a clean shirt and deodorant was all that was necessary to start day off. Stuck face in Microwave to get a clean shave. Face hurts a bit but saved 20 seconds.
06:37: bolted to train. Set a new land speed record. Take note for future reference that eating a bag of coffee with a bag of sugar DOES work. Apparently humans can run at 60 miles per hour. Eat that Steve Austin.
07:41: woke on train. Glance at phone, misinterpret time as 8:41am. Set new land speed record running to Metro Toronto Convention Centre. Glance at phone. Nuts, it's only 7:45am and I'm at the hall.
07:46: Security throws me against wall and does a BCS as I try to explain that I am supposed to meet with President of Microsoft Canada at breakfast. I managed to distract them with some donuts as I sneak off to Microsoft booth. In short order, a nice Microsoft rep escorts me to the breakfast area. Ha! Security guards! Challenge me will you.
08:01: Found a person to walk in after. Nice fellow from previous day. I figure let somebody else walk in first. You can never tell where land mines are planted. I've yet to step on one yet so I must be right. This plan works every time.
08:45: Finished a fine repast. Must remember to mark this place on my map as a good location for free grub. Must remember as well to thank these "Microsoft" guys. They seem to know how to cook. I wonder if they're any good at programming. I should ask.
09:30: Begin pouring into "Keynote hall". Managed to sneak into "Microsoft Reserved" seats. Should be fewer land mines here. Good thing I disguised myself as one of them. Nyeah hah hah.
12:00: After an exhausting session of yelling screaming shouting (sorta like Kindergarten) the fire dies down. The bodies are cleared away. There was a apparently a large fight as these nuts on the stage and the back began attacking spectators with large black objects. The president of the company even got involved! One guy for whatever reason threatened to throw a Coke can at the audience. My God these people are sadistic! The strange and wonderful man from Redmond who was teaching us how to break into computers; and the other really cool guy who taught us how to use a program to increase our hardware budget without actually spending it on hardware (Something about Virtualization) have finished. There's a few broken chairs and some crying but the battle is over. They have decided to feed us. I guess every prisoner gets fed at one point.
12:01 we enter the food lines. They are very much like food lines from the Great Depression. A lot of shuffling. Some snarling and growling. the various people in the line grab their boxes and cower off the corners like wild animals. the Feeding Frenzy begins..
12:02: Found a fellow prisoner and began swapping war stories. The plan to breakout begins. Quickly finished food as the bell rings. The guards send us to our various yard duties. I am condemned for the next 90 minutes to deal with a nightmare. they are forcing us to work with a "System Manager". Funny, they get paid to do this. I suspect they have found a rather ingenious way to create slave labor and disguising it as an "Event".
14:00: I sneak out of my jail cell. the guards weren't looking. I try to sneak a message out to my wife to call the police or they army. the message never gets out. They have blocked all lines of communication. I wander and find bits of food. Popcorn. My God, they are trying to choke us to death. I find a video camera and send out a plea. Maybe somebody will hear me. Silence surrounds me as the guards send me off the to the next yard job.
14:30 they trap me in Front of a badly beaten laptop. Make use a ForeFront security program to kill viruses. There is a dying man in the room here. He has a virus too. I wonder to myself if they have anything to disinfect us. Maybe I will die quickly. They quickly slap me to work, slaving away at this program. There are others in the room with me as well. I wonder if any one of us will see the light of day.
15:50 I manage to sneak out. I fill out a "form" which seems to give them pleasure. A large gruff man from Redmond stares at me. "Fill out and dot the T's and Cross the I's. Make sure you check off only '9' or we will find your gerbils and make them work for BullFrog.com" I barely understand him but do as he says. There are lines that only have '5' on them. I crayon in '9' where needed. I shudder and quickly slip out when he's not looking.
15:53 I can see the exit! I decide at this point that freedom or death. I am taking my chances. I bolt! I'm almost there. Then the Men in Red appear. A large burly group. GASP! NO! "Ve vill let you leaf, if you vill confess you crimes to ze camera" they say with an evil laugh. Suddenly I can feel it happening.
My brain feels numb...
I drop to my knees....
I can hear laughing as I pass out.